The People I Saw at Panera Bread: A Cast of Characters

Obligatory Hipster Chick
Female, early 20s, must be wearing thick black glasses without a prescription and some kind of decorative scarf, despite the fact that it is 80 degrees outside. Preferably accompanied by EMO DUDE wearing tight pants who has far too much facial hair.

Man With No Neck
Male, 30s, far too skinny for his own good, appears to be in a perpetual state of alarm. Could be because he cannot decide what to order. More likely it is because he has no neck.

Guy who looks like Steve Carell
Male, mid-to-late 30s, looks like Steve Carell when he's just starting to grow that funny beard in Evan Almighty. No, really, there was a guy who looks just like him, I swear.

Punk Rocker Who Seems Totally Out of Place
Male or Female, early 20s to late 40s, has several visible tattoos, dyed hair a plus. Characterized by uncomfortable body language that screams, "get me the hell out of this color-coordinated corporate dungeon."

That Cell Phone Lady
Female, 40s, enters the building while talking loudly on her cell phone about her private life. Will doubtlessly continue the conversation while placing a to-go order for LITTLE BILLY's entire soccer team, much to the chagrin of all employees and patrons in the store.

Awkward First Date Couple
Male and Female, late 20s, ordered nothing but coffee so that if things go badly today, they have an excuse to bring this rendezvous to a hasty close. Based on how MAN leans in far too close and WOMAN awkwardly glances around the building, this author has reason to believe that there will not be a date number two.

Unfortunate College Student
Female, late teens to early 20s, can be seen sitting alone behind her laptop in one corner for longer than anyone else. Accompanied by dirty tray from food she finished hours ago so as to justify her continued presence. May or may not be me.