The Levels of Purgatory

A lot of people are aware of the 9 levels of Hell, best portrayed by Daunte in his documentary "The Inferno". Yet very few are aware of the not quite as horrid 9 levels of Purgatory. I am glad to educate you on them now:

Levels 1- 3: Perpetual Annoyance

Levels 1-3 are for those of us who got the whole religion multiple choice test just a little wrong (ie those who don't believe the hokey pokey really is what it's all about, or who don't like the Beatles), thought the jimmy fund dish was the leave - a - penny, take - a - penny dish, or just had a really crappy day when they died.

Level 1: The Doctor's Waiting Room

In this level you are sentenced to wait for your spot in your respective promised land in a regular, completely full, Doctor's waiting room. There will be a TV set to, and only to, PBS Local progamming. The magazines will consists only of hunting and housekeeping magazines, as well as a medical journal. All of said books will have mysterious water spots and rips. The room will be obnoxiously colored, and will contain screaming ADHD children, highly contagious flu victims, and at least 2 guys who just don't look right. The room will have obnoxious lighting, and the other patients will have a highly noticable habit of scratching off their dry skin, picking their noses, finger tapping, and hacking up mucus. You will have no food with the exception of what you have on you, after appointment lollipops, and the other patients.

Level 2: Group Therapy with Celebrity Hosts 

In order to prepare you for your hopeful ascension, this level will review the most mundane aspects of your past life and have them over analyzed on international cross- after life - realm TV. Guests analysts will include Dr. Phil, the women from The View, Rachel Ray, Tony Danza, Dr. Ruth, Wolf Blitzer, John Madden, and Marv Albert.

Level 3: "omigod becky"

In the far edge of the first three levels, you will be sentenced to a middle school girls locker room and must help solve every girl that enters's problem, including why trish is such a bitch, which shade of neon-pink hair dye they should use, if their skanky outfit is too skanky, why all rob thinks about is football and food, why the cafeteria food is so bad, why does she have to get her period now why......

Levels 4 - 6: Perpetual Awkwardness

Level 4: The Perpetual Morning After

You will wake up every morning in this level of purgatory. However, each morning you wake up, your situation will be increasingly more strange and absurd. From rolling over to a bad one night stand who just happens to be yours best friend to rolling over to find a decapitated horse, to waking up with a three ring circus conducted by Ronald Reagan and Donald Duck in full swing in your bedroom.

Level 5: The Starring Contest Tournament

You will be pitted up against other purgatory guests as well as guest players for a chance to get to heaven. However, the final rounds consists of starring contest with Stevie Wonder, Ray Charles, Charles Manson, a completely nude Popeye the Sailorman, Pennywise, and finally the Keeper of the Crypt.

Level 6: Kafka

In this level, you will be transformed into a cockroach unbeknownst to your family and friends and have a existential meltdown day after day. 

Levels 7 - 9: Hell's next-door neighbors: The levels bordering sanity

Level 7: The In-Flight Movie

In this scenario, you will be forced to repeteadly watch an inflight movie on a 1 1/2 inch monitor without sound. Your movie choices will consist of Where the Red Fern Grows, Bambi, and J-lo's Gigi. While you watch the movie, an obese man will sleep on your shoulder while a 3 year old toddler repeatedly falls out of the overhead compartment onto your lap due to the constant turbulence.

Level 8: The Assasinated King

In this level, you are a great King who has a nasty habit of being assasinated every day of his life. Your assasinations will vary in interest every other day; one day you will die in your sleep naturally, the next you will be publicly stripped and put into a barrel full of nails and dragged around town by a horse.

Level 8 1/2: Small World

You will be perpetually stuck in the white room of Disney's "It's a small world ride" for all of eternity. There is some speculation that this level may be the first level of hell, but that that sick bastard Daunte actually enjoyed it.

Level 9: Leo Tolstoy and Phillip Glass

 In this most extreme level of purgatory, you will be held in a completely empty room with nothing but Leo Tolstoy's books, while the first scene of Glass's Einstien on a Beach plays repeatedly. Regardless of your best attempts, trying to kill yourself by brute head trauma with the Tolstoy books will be unsuccesful and only make our headache worse.